‘How Much Do You Want To Follow Your Dreams?’
I got a call from my mother and as we talked she kept telling me to not worry ad to not cry… not to be sad and to keep on going. After I hung up, I stared into an empty wall in the main gallery. I felt numb and I began to cry.
I slowly made my way outside to the grass field and as I walked, it was as if I was becoming more numb.
Outside, I looked up to the sky in hopes to see the stars but the clouds were covering them all. I became angry and I said to the Lord, “God, you won’t even let me see the stars tonight.” Then I looked again and there was a bright star, framed by the clouds and two more stars emerged glimmering.
I laid down in the middle of a grass field… my body was shivering in the cold. In that moment, for the first time, I felt ashamed for following my dreams and not being there for my family. How can I be happy when my parents are suffering?
I looked into the sky full of clouds and asked, what is my purpose here? And I began to cry out loud… And I kept telling myself that I shouldn’t be here. I should’ve never come to calarts in the first place. How foolish I was to follow my dreams. My heart ached like never before… i felt so weak… and vulnerable…my chest felt like it was about to burst,
I laid on my side becoming smaller and smaller… I asked for death… I looked up to the three stars and just said, if I can die… if I can just die now… if God could be so kind to take me away… then I saw my parents’ faces and felt ashamed for being so selfish.
The clouds kept blocking my view to see the stars in the sky… then a voice came to me and asked, how much do you want to follow your dreams? I whispered, just enough so that I can protect the ones I love… then I realized Randy Pausch’s Last Lecture. How in life, walls are there not to keep us from achieving our dreams, but are there to teach us how badly we want to achieve our dreams. I realized that the stars were my dreams and the clouds were the walls that challenged me to achieve them.
I was trembling from the cold but tonight I was reminded why I follow my dreams… I followed my dreams for the people I love, so that I can be there for them and share my bliss.
As I slowly made my way back, I bumped into Yon. my dearest friend, and his happiness reminded me of the warmth that surrounded me. I wept in front of him and he reminded me why I was so happy to be here at CalArts… I’m so happy because I’m surrounded by so many wonderful people who shares their dreams with me.
As I reflect on my journey thus far, I do not know if this may be my last semester here at CalArts, but I feel so blessed and thankful that I got to take part in this journey. Meeting countless people who changed me for the better and I’m reminded yet again how life is filled with wonders and love. I dream that everything will work out in the end… i dream… that i would be allowed to follow and listen to my heart… so that I can share them with you.